Super mama, ready? One, two, three, snore!
Something's got to be said about public transport. Every ride is a reminder that there’s some random fella out there ready to inject your life with a shot of craziness. By default, these entities are gifted with strong vocal cords for reaching out to a large, forced audience.
Last night I took a bus starting from our good ole Bengaluru. I got settled in pretty quickly with just one thought – Boy, the seats look so small. Yes! Spoilt are the rears that have travelled on Olivea, the super luxury bus, the joys of which deserve a separate blog dedication. As I fiddled with the A/C vent, a voice that had complaint in its DNA entered the bus. “You are not going to sit next to me, your bluddy snoring spoilt my sleep last night, mavanae (means son in Tamil)” I traced the (un)sound waves to a figure that can be best described as a shrunken Shrek. A grinning sidekick emerged from behind Shrek and tried to fit his bag in the storage area. “Bluddy naansense snoring. Your wife will ‘dye-verse’ you. I curse you, see if you want. She will leave you.” Grinner widens his grin. Shrek goes on “It is a public nuisance. Nobody complains. Our people are too patient. They are like buffaloes.”
Seems like patience ain’t in the running for the post of virtue any more. Shrek has a point though. People are patient…else you’d have the crowd holding him down in front of the bus and the throttle-happy driver would have been more than pleased to introduce him to the much advertised 'Multi-Axles.'
Just when the buffaloes thought that Shrek would zip it, he issues a public service announcement –“Smokers and snorers are both bluddy nuisances. Smokers are a health hazard, snorers are...(long pause) a sleep hazard.” Not much advantage coming from the long pause as far as vocabulary is concerned. Also, shame is a sparingly used arrow in Shrek’s quiver of emotions, so he continues “It is a physical disorder I say. Although you are unconscious when you do it, it is still your fault.” At this point, it’s easy to choose the grinning snorer over Shrek. Not the one to give up, Shrek belts out a dire warning, “Mavanae, inniki koratta vitta mooka vandu adachiduvenda, mavanae!” (Sonny, if you snore today, I’m gonna come and block your nose, sonny). Hmmm…seems like Shrek is a little confused about the origin of a snore. In any case, the visual of his stubby fingers riding up Grinner’s nose is not something that would lead to a good night’s sleep – even with all the extra axles thrown in. After a few more statements, Shrek finally settles down…or so I thought until I hear “The neckkk is the mosttt impaartant part while sleeping!” What?? What?? Whatever!
Time heals everything, and the Volvo engine drowns Shrek. I don’t recollect when I fell asleep, but I do remember when I jumped out of the seat. “MURUGAAAA!” MURUGAAA!” Deafening name of the Lord taken in pain it seemed. This was how the considerate driver wished us all a very good morning. The speakers were on full blast to signal that we’d reached Chennai. Curses all over drowned out the enthusiastic Muruga voice. “Inda kodumaiya niruthungada! Koyambedukku serthu tolaingada!” (Please stop this torture da. Take me to Koyambedu and …get lost da) shrieked Shrek. After muttering a few other expletives, our man Shrek reaches for his bag. Grinner is a morning person as is evident on his face. I pray to Lord Muruga for no further violations until the door opens. Koyambedu, at last! Time to break free…Super mama ready? One, two, three…and Kolaveri played in my mind until I got home.
