Caught with the needle

… at 20 mph above the speed limit. I’m not a ‘Push the pedal to the metal’ kinda guy, but at times I do let my right foot get heavy. My work involves driving around quite a bit, as a result of which my faculties are right on the money when it comes to spotting cops…or so I thought.

Very broadly, those meanies in uniform can be classified as:

The crouching tiger: Drives a Ford Crown Victoria a.k.a Copmobile (with reflective markings, bigass lights mounted like a tiara, bells, whistles, trumpets…you get the picture) parked arrogantly perpendicular to the direction of travel. Trust me, that’s the attack position- he’s out to get you.

The excited new recruits: Bunch of novices with their copmobiles, lights on, aiming their radar gun right at you to shoot the change out of your pocket.

The territorial fatass: Always hangs out around Dunkin Donuts or Krispy Kreme and lazily looks at you through the donut hole. Harmless waste of taxpayer’s money. In the words of Jerry Seinfeld, “Why do you need garbage men when there are so many cops just hanging out doing nothing? Might as well give them a broom and ask them to sweep, sweep, sweep, catch a criminal, and get back to sweep, sweep, sweep.” Excellent idea!

Moving on, if you take it to the next level, you’d spot a couple more species:

Wannabe Bruce Willis: Has a cool attitude, usually drives an unmarked car (detective, perhaps?) and will not pull you over unless you are tearing up the asphalt.

Some dead giveaways-

1. Two dozen antennas all over the car (hood, top, trunk…geez, they are running out of places. Next step in mounting antennas, their hats maybe?…I’d gladly get pulled over just to laugh on their faces).

2. A light on top of the left side mirror that they can focus on you while you curse your fate.

3. If you look hard enough through the tinted glass, you’ll find the infamous flashing lights (mini, split version) mounted inbetween the speakers on the back.

4. A uniform hanging on the hook right behind the driver’s seat. Not conspicuous, but with practice, you can spot it.

Even if you miss all of the visual clues, there is still hope if you have your radio on. Your radio doesn’t like the interference from your cell phone or the radar gun. It will let you know, so when that happens, slow down, buckle up and LOOK AROUND before checking your cellphone.

Now, presenting the most venomous species of all: the Hidden Dragon.

My latest encounter was with one such critter. The setting – scenic route US 13, heavily wooded on both sides (median and shoulder), steady traffic, non-peak hour (no hungry maniacs)- just a bunch of nice people going about their businesses…and SURPRISE!!! Our dragon jumps out of the woods and does an “I want you” routine with both hands and points to the roadside ditch. Spitting out expletives in Kannada, I hit the brakes trying not to go exactly where he pointed to, and also hoping that the ABS doesn't pull a 'now you stop, no you don't, now u...'

I look in the rearview to see if he was taking the name ‘Walker’ too seriously. Nope! He had his backup too, in their mean black cars – State Troopers! Nice job fellas, you got me there – hiding behind trees? That’s a classic BCP* move (*Bangalore City Police).

The dragon is all swagger as he gets close to me and announces “Maryland State Police” – duh! Did he think I mistook him for Tarzan?...although I was entitled to, given his entry.

“Can you please pull over to a safe place” – Yeah right! Now you tell me.

“License and Registration” – I comply

“Registered in Virginia?” – I put my finger on the registration card and walk him through I.L.L.I.N.O.I.S…Read my lips, Tarzan, it says ILLINOIS in bold, black font.

“Sir, you were doing 20 over, blah blah blah” – I picture him with antennas on his hat. No, won’t make him look any more stupid than he actually is.

I tell him that I must be unlucky to get pulled over just for keeping up with the traffic.

“No sir, you were getting past” – getting past?? who? how? I was already in the passing lane- leaves 2 options for ‘getting past’ the nice people

1. Cross the ditch and swing through the woods.

2. Pull a Rajni** sir stunt.
(**Superstar Rajnikanth – Indian Superhero)

“You have the option blah blah…to pay $75 blah blah blah …court…please sign here” – Here you go you miserable moron, I sign.

“Have a nice day sir, and drive safe” – Nice? What arrogance! If only you didn’t have a gun and handcuffs, grrrr!

So I pick up cursing him from where I left off…and push the pedal to the metal.